5 tips for how to come out at any age
Coming out to the world as an LGBTQ+ person can be one of the scariest things in the world to imagine.
Being queer has historically been seen as something “less than” or unacceptable, and those of us who have been around awhile have felt that more than anyone.
Many of us feel afraid of how we will be viewed, treated, or judged, simply for having feelings and desires we have no control over. We disguise our true essence at all costs, because the price of revealing ourselves feels too great. Being exposed to various levels of homophobia our whole lives, we may have internalized false messages about ourselves, which can cause shame and confusion about our sexuality, driving us even further into the closet.
Ultimately, if we are brave enough to see it, we can get to a place where the pressure of living a lie, not to mention the depression and anxiety from repressing our true selves, becomes even more unbearable than the paralyzing fear.
We may realize it’s time to make that courageous leap, and it doesn’t matter how old you are when this happens. We all have unique life situations and upbringings, with institutions like family, culture, and religion bearing down on us. It’s natural that it takes some of us longer than others to get there.
Below are my five tips for coming out at any age.
1. Find an ally for support.
Perhaps the most important of all, remember that you are not alone! Others have come first to pave the way for you, by bravely facing their fears and living their best authentic lives, despite whatever the consequences were. Not only do you have their shoulders to stand on and gain strength from, but you have a whole community to take you in on the other side.
In addition, there are people in your corner even now, who will want to support you or guide you on your journey. Find that one friend that you feel may not judge you as much as everyone else, and think about telling only that person first. If you don’t have someone like that, you might think about contacting a local LGBTQ Center, checking out a “Coming Out” or LGBTQ support group, or even chatting with other people online (Reddit is a good start) who are experiencing the exact same thing you are right now.
Even better, it can help to have an authentic LGBTQ therapist in your corner, to metaphorically hold your hand through one of the scariest, but most rewarding, things you’ll ever do.
LGBTQ Therapy Space is the first LGBTQ owned and operated national tele-therapy platform, and is a great resource for that person who truly understands, especially in the privacy and security of your own home. We are currently accessible in EVERY town and city in 8 states, and counting.
As social creatures who are meant to engage with one another, we are built to rely on each other. Knowing that someone else, such as a therapist, understands you completely, and has even been through it themselves, can make it feel that much easier.
Meet one of our California therapists, Bill K, who specializes in life purpose and meaning, redefining the future, and discovering happiness: https://lgbtqtherapyspace.com/therapists-page
2. Break it down to one day at a time.
Making a decision to completely change your life, your identity, how people see you, and how you feel in the world is a huge thing, and sometimes it can feel so overwhelming that you can feel almost paralyzed. Instead of trying to jump ahead to the finish line, try to break it down into smaller bits and pieces.
For now, all you have is today. What can you do today to help move you in the right direction? Maybe you can make a list of people you would feel safe reaching out to for help. Or perhaps you could journal about all the benefits to coming out that you anticipate. These actions are easier and achievable, and will help get you in a better place when it’s time to make the leap.
3. Remember that the way you see yourself is not always how others see you.
Before you come out, it can feel like your whole world will be pulled out from under you, that everything that once was a certain way, will be no more, because everyone will see you differently. As humans, we crave stability in our lives, and one of the ways we achieve that is through our various attachments to people. If those attachments are suddenly threatened, it can feel like our foundation has suddenly become a pile of rubble, caving in under our feet.
Know that the perspective you have about yourself and how you will be perceived is skewed. So many times, we think something is going to get a certain reaction, and it ends up being different than we think. Some people may see you more as a whole person, with many types of wonderful traits, and view sexual orientation or gender identity as just one of many things about you. Just because you are focusing on that, doesn’t mean they will. We tend to project our fears and feelings that we have about ourselves onto others, so the best thing you can do is to simply be aware of that.
4. Think of it as gaining something, rather than losing something.
Whatever we shine the spotlight on in our minds, affects how we are going to feel, because our thoughts and emotions are connected as part of a complex system. Therefore, if we focus on something scary or negative, such as the people that may distance themselves from us after coming out, or the family member that may reject us, we are going to feel depressed or anxious about that.
On the contrary, if you focus on something good, like the fact that you’re actually going to be gaining an authentic sense of being in the world, with people around you who support and love that person, you will feel happy and optimistic. Oftentimes, we have to shed something in order to gain something. You can either focus on what’s lost, or focus on what’s gained. One will make you feel better than the other.
5. Be a compassionate voice for yourself.
The longer you wait to come out, it can seem even more difficult. With every month or year that passes, it may feel even harder, because the version of yourself that you’ve been putting out there to everyone is even more etched in everyone’s minds.
You may think, “If I come out now, then they will think that I’ve been a fraud now for all these years.” That can bring feelings of shame, and intense fear of judgement or criticism. “My whole life has been a lie,” you might think to yourself, “and I will be exposed.” You must immediately catch yourself when having these thoughts, because what’s actually happening here is you are judging yourself for that, and imagining it’s also how others will see you.
Instead of beating yourself up for waiting so long, have warmth and compassion for yourself that this is a very scary thing, and there are reasons you waited so long. Remind yourself that it’s never too late, and all we have is today. During this tumultuous time of coming out, you need a loving and compassionate voice to yourself more than ever before. The world is harsh enough, why add to it yourself? Remind yourself that you are strong now, and you can do this.
Coming out can be the most exciting and frightening thing you’ve ever thought about doing, no matter what age you are. If you talk to someone who’s gone through it, not one will ever say they regretted it. It may be bumpy at times, but following these tips can give you a little more ease on your journey.
About Jake Myers
Jake Myers is the founder and CEO of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first LGBTQ-owned and operated online therapy platform designed for LGBTQ+ clients. A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who recently relocated from Los Angeles to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, when his own practice moved online, Myers is dedicated to providing an affirmative and welcoming space for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples to navigate life’s challenges. He graduated from Antioch University Los Angeles with a master’s degree in clinical psychology and a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy. Myers writes a column, “Ask Jake,” for Queerty, in addition to other mental-health related topics. You can view all of his pieces for Queerty here.
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