A queer retrospective of ‘Friends’

The LGBTQ+ hits and misses of the beloved ’90s sitcom.

With the arrival of the reunion special of Friends, I found myself wondering about the legacy of this quintessential ’90s sitcom, a show that was so popular at the time that it was in syndication on two networks while still producing new episodes at the price of approximately 22 million per star per season. The Rembrandts’ “I’ll Be there for You” along with the urge to play in fountains and sit on oversized couches outside were engrained in my generation. In fact, when I moved to New York City and learned that there was no real Central Perk and that the show was filmed in LA, I was deeply saddened. However, these disappointments didn’t prevent me from binge watching the entire series my first year in the city; it served as both comforting nostalgia and a way to imagine my new life. Also, the theme song drove my partner crazy, and that’s always fun.

To say I have a lot invested in Friends is a grand understatement. But looking through the nearly 20 years that have passed since the final episode, I’m at a loss for and positive contribution to the sitcom genre — especially in a time where LGBTQ+ and POCs both desperately needed positive and accurate representation. I was so lost trying to think of and queer moments that I resorted to Google and found a ton of articles from 2017 and 18 listing the most homophobic moments of the show, tearing it apart for transphobia, and some elaborate theories about the various ways Chandler’s homosexuality was repressed to keep audiences happy. A few moments of digging and the evidence pointed to one clear conclusion: phobic or not, Friends was milquetoast and safe.

Of course, I found myself thinking of Chandler’s father, the drag queen played Kathleen Turner, a point disproving myself. I thought, “a gender non-conforming parent was progressive!” Admittedly, Chandler’s dad was played for laughs but that doesn’t prevent a sympathetic narrative. Believing that it is unfair to judge something by new standards, I compared Turner’s portrayal to an older, and definitely riskier, sitcom — Soap. Here Billy Crystal plays a gay man who believes he milt get a gender reassignment surgery because he won’t be loved as a man. Yes there are laughs about Crystal’s ability to pass, but the audience is urged to connect with him.

Comparing Crystal’s character to Turner’s, we see that even by today’s standards Soap come closer to the idea of actors representing identities on screen which they embody off screen. Yes, people laughed because Crystal made a “bad” woman, but his body as an actor represented that tension, because the character was male-bodies and did not want to transition. A decade and a half later, Friends appeals to the fear of someone “passing” and gets laughs from the disconnection between knowing Kathleen Turner is a female-bodied actress playing a man in drag and her deep voice. Crystal never truly tried to deceive but Turner could — until she speaks. Add to that Crystal’s loving mother versus Turner’s reluctant and embarrassed son, and it’s clear that Friends wasn’t progressive at all on this front.

Two more recent sitcoms have dealt with a similar issues on vastly different ways. In Family Guy, Quagmire’s dad, Ida, has gender confirmation surgery and begins living full time as a woman — but only after saying, “I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body,” which is a nightmare to unpack on its own. Brian, the talking family god, picks Ida up at a bar and without realizing she is his friend’s dad, has a one night stand. Ida, like Turner, is “passable” aside from her masculine voice, which creates dramatic irony and a sense of superiority because we “know better.” That is, it positions us to not feel comfortable in our attraction to either character. In the end, Brian vomits when he realizes he’s had sex with a trans person.

Obviously, playing things safe meant Friends couldn’t take things that far — and thank goodness. However, with Turner’s character there was an opportunity to develop more queer characters or themes. Looking at Transparent, we see how acceptance can become the driving force in a half-hour shoe. Like Crystal, Turner, and Ida, the actor is cis, but Transparent dug into what Friends and Family Guy avoided — what it means to love someone who is gender non-conforming.

But Friends couldn’t get to that point because Chandler’s sexuality was always in question: to the characters, the audience, and writers. One of those top 10 most homophobic moments was the ongoing “I’m not gay” line. The suspicion that Chandler was gay made his father’s drag an inditement Chandler. This isn’t surprising considering it’s a show about people in their 20s discovering who they are, but Turner was the perfect springboard for the kind of self discovery that should happen in a show about being in your 20s. Turner acknowledged that her character doesn’t age well, which is true, but she doesn’t apologize because it was still ahead of its time. Matt Le Blanc, on the other hand, insists the show has nothing to examine in hindsight. I don’t need or want a mea culpa from the cast or writers, but a look back on what didn’t happen seems important.

Below are my Friends Misses — the opportunities they had, but chose not to take because other things were safer. This isn’t as much a criticism as a way of looking forward and thinking about what new sitcoms should look like.

1. A queer main cast member. At the time the show came out it was estimated that 1 in 10 people were LGBTQ. Now that number is closer to 1 in 6. Six was the number of mail cast members.
2. Let Chandler’s dad be trans. In the series, Turner plays a gay man who does drag but is never seen out of drag. The co-created said Turner is indeed trans, but the show never allowed that fact to surface.
3. Let the trans-narrative include acceptance. While Chandler does make peace with his dad, he remains tortured about how others see him. Real growth was needed.
4. Acknowledge HIV/AIDS. Friends takes place in NYC between 1994 and 2004. No one in the city wasn’t touched, in some way, by the disease in that decade. It’s hard to imagine it, but Paris is Burning came out just four years before and Rent hit Broadway and started touring in ’96. The silence in the show is deafening.
5. Quit playing male affection for uncomfortable laughs. One of the greatest loves on Friends is between Joey and Chandler, and as presented, completely heterosexual. Each time they express their care, it’s mixed with discomfort. Let them be a model to other straight men that it’s okay to love your bros.
6. For the love of god, put a POC in your show. While many shows suffer from this problem, sometimes it makes sense. For example, in Roseanne, black folk are usually only seen at work, not as neighbors. This is because of historical racism of suburban Chicago neighborhoods, expressed in redlining laws and in literature with A Raisin in the Sun. However, any show about NYC without people of color is at best an ignorant oversight or at worse a racist decision.
7. If you’re going to gender police and fat shame, at least have someone learn a lesson in the end, otherwise the show becomes a manual on how to be a jerk.
8. It’s not funny when someone discovers their sexuality or gender identity, it’s just life. Ross’s insecurity about his ex-wife being a lesbian and the way his friends use the fact to upset him suggests their immaturity, and nothing about Ross’s ex’s sexuality.
9. Take risks. People become Friends paved the way for them to take more risks or at least match what had happened before (again, Soap and Rosanne come to mind).
10. Forgive me for this Kathleen, but Turner was not the best choice for Chandler’s dad. Give her another role and let a transwoman have the role. Turner was used to up the comedy not the humanity. Find a way to get laughs that doesn’t hurt anyone.

I can’t say that Friends offers nothing, because that’s just not the case. Friends provided us with two models: on one hand friends is a safe setup with nothing to really offend anyone, but on the other we have a model of what to do to make a show more believable — to give it depth and meaning. I look forward to a show as playful and witty as friends, but that reflects the world as it is and in a way that we can all smile about.

Friends: The Reunion is now streaming on HBO Max.