Wellness witch Cardsy B on how to handle your Saturn Return
Most of us go through a Saturn Return twice in our lives: First in our late twenties and again in our late fifties. And if you were born in the early 1930s and are still with us, you’re going through your third Saturn Return! Each time you would have experienced—astrologically speaking—an epiphany of personal growth. Painful? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. Now, a new book by queer author, podcaster, and tarot reader Cardsy B helps you deal with it!
The Saturn Diaries by Cardsy B is part memoir and part spellbook that reached #1 in Occult and #4 in LGBTQ+ Memoirs on Amazon on the first day of sale as well at #1 in LGBTQ+ Memoirs and #3 in Mind Body Spirit on Ingramspark Paperback Bestseller List.
The Saturn Diaries is already getting great national press and strong editorial reviews from celebrities and influencers. The book also received a glowing review from literary powerhouse, Kirkus Reviews: “A funny, confessional remembrance of finding redefinition in the cards.”
The book is possibly striking a chord because it has a powerful story behind it: the author’s own experience of Saturn Return:
Cardsy B has shared an exclusive excerpt with Queer Forty readers to offer a taste of The Saturn Diaries along with the recipe that is at the end of that chapter.
“I failed gay marriage! Like, mere seconds after it was legalized. RuPaul should sashay in here and beat me with a rainbow-studded baton,” I groaned, as I woke up in my best friend’s hotel room in Midtown.
My head was pounding from polishing off an entire bottle of Cabernet the night before. I was sweating, partially from the wine, and partly due to the thick gauge wool scarf I fell asleep wearing.
“No one’s going to beat you,” Lindsay calmly stated from the bathroom. She flipped her raspberry-tinted brunette locks behind her shoulders before applying her signature cat eye liner.
Lindsay had an even-keeled, emo, hipster-girl vibe that was incredibly comforting in a crisis.
We’d met in our first year of college, bonding over the fact that even though we were both majoring in fashion design, we were both equally challenged by our terrible sewing skills. As an awkward outsider who’d worked tirelessly to be at the top of the class, win every competition, and gain people’s approval and affections while growing up, I was instantly attracted to Lindsay’s seemingly effortless cool girl attitude.
“Saturn Returns are no joke,” Lindsay noted in a motherly tone.
“Huh?” I asked as I attempted to focus my eyes.
“When Saturn returns to the place it was when you were born, it will basically disrupt or remove the areas of your identity and lifestyle that are out of alignment. It occurs every twenty-seven to thirty-one years. Since we’re the same age, that means your Saturn is probably also in Scorpio. Scorpio highlights your relationship and understanding of money, power, and sex. It’s no joke,” Lindsay reiterated.
“Uggggh,” I moaned. “If that’s your way of telling me the cosmos hates me, thank you. That’s already pretty apparent. Anyway, should I just go straight to Bed Bath & Beyond or go home? I mean, almost all the kitchen stuff was hers…” And I don’t really know what my life is supposed to look like after she leaves, I thought, but that was too scary to vocalize; it was much easier to obsess over new espresso cups.
Lindsay walked out of the bathroom and sat down on the bed beside me, handing me a sad little paper cup of hotel coffee.
“Let’s start with coffee and then, eventually, home. Probably better to assess the damage first,” she said, reaching into her purse and pulling out a small container of cinnamon, tapping a few brown lumps into the cup.
Lindsay was part rockabilly badass and part Polish grandmother, and her purse was consequently filled with more random shit than the lost and found department at Penn Station.
“What is that?” I asked with an irritable growl.
“It’s good for hangovers,” she said as she patted my leg. “From a medical standpoint, it helps stabilize blood sugar. It’s also said to heighten intuition. You could use a little of both these days,” she explained as she tapped another pile into my coffee for dramatic effect.
“You carry cinnamon in your purse?”
“Hey, if Beyoncé can carry hot sauce, I can carry cinnamon,” Lindsay said as she shoved the container back into her overflowing Marc Jacobs handbag.
Pour Myself a Cup of Intuition Latte:
For divorces, hangovers, and other times when coffee alone won’t cut it.
– 4 ounces of espresso or matcha
– 4 ounces milk of choice (I prefer almond for this one)
– ½ teaspoon cinnamon
+ Medicinally: blood sugar stabilizer/digestion aid
* Magically: increases intuition
– ½ teaspoon nutmeg
+ Medicinally: antioxidant
* Magically: increases luck and well-being
– ½ teaspoon vanilla
+ Medicinally: digestion aid
* Magically: amplifies personal empowerment, mental clarity
Froth milk, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla together and pour over espresso or matcha.
If you don’t own a frother, you can add the spices and milk to a saucepan and heat on medium for 2 to 3 minutes, whisking occasionally.
If you don’t own a working stove (see Chapter VIII for why I know what that’s like), you can heat the milk and spices in a glass jar in the microwave for one minute, remove, shake, and pour over the cup of espresso or matcha.
Top with an extra sprinkle of cinnamon for additional Third Eye Awareness.
To find out more about Cardsby B, go here.
Get The Saturn Diaries here.
Listen to the podcast Hex and the City here.
Get the Badass Bitches Tarot Deck by Cardsy B here.